Self Compassion: What It Is and What It’s Not
Many of my clients come in with a part of them that is a harsh inner critic. They beat themselves up for having anxiety, not knowing what to say in social situations, getting impatient with their children, gaining weight, or feeling like “they shouldn’t feel this way,” or they “should know how to deal with this.” Not only do I utilize Internal Family Systems in my practice (more on Internal Family Systems here), but I also incorporate Self Compassion into my work with clients as a concrete way to begin to change their perspective on their shortcomings and suffering.
Often when my clients initially hear the term “Self Compassion” they think it means throwing a pity party for themselves or letting themselves get away with things. When in fact, self compassion often does the exact opposite. While self pity says, "poor me,” self compassion allows for perspective taking and reminds us that everyone suffers from time to time. It also provides the awareness that everyone makes mistakes and allows us to admit to our own, while speaking kindly towards ourselves.
Kristen Neff, the founder of Self compassion, named three core elements of Self Compassion: Self Kindness, Common Humanity and Mindfulness. Self kindness is simply the act of talking to ourselves like we would talk to a friend in a similar situation. My guess is if a friend told you they recently made a huge mistake at work you would not say, “OMG! You are the worst employee! You are going to get fired now and no one will ever hire you again!” Of course not! You would likely offer some words of encouragement and kindness. You may even offer a story of a time when you made a big mistake at work. We do this to help the other person know that they are not alone in making mistakes, or in their suffering. Self Compassion teaches us to do the same for ourselves. By changing the way we respond and talk to ourselves, we change the way we think and feel about ourselves. We will decrease our anxiety and depression and improve our overall perspective.
The second element, Common Humanity, is recognizing that all humans are flawed, make mistakes, fail, and experience hardships in life. Self compassion recognizes that everyone encounters suffering at some point in their life. Remembering this offers us a way to stay connected to others and reminds us that we are not alone in our experiences.
Mindfulness is the third element in practicing Self Compassion. Mindfulness allows us to acknowledge the painful feelings we are experiencing and moves us towards these feelings instead of avoiding them. Mindfulness allows us to recognize our suffering, acknowledge our pain and gives us the space to be compassionate with ourselves.
Self Compassion takes practice! It is a unique way of talking to and thinking about ourselves. It is not for the weak or selfish; it allows us to recognize that we are all messy, complex human beings that are flawed. That we all make mistakes from time to time and experience suffering. Practicing Self Compassion can lead to a decrease in anxiety, stress, shame, and depression. If you’re interested in learning more about how Self Compassion and therapy can help you, book a free consultation today.
